Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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