I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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