my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
