She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
