I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He better not be in your backpack
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I have post one night stand depression
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