What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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