Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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