One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize