I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
