can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
