i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I want to walk on stilts...naked
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
