I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
