I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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