Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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