My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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