Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
