tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
