The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
