I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just had sex bonerless
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
