when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Randomize
