I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
