Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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