Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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