I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
