then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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