i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
