You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
