You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
