I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize