please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
