Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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