I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
