I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize