this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
