now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
