i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
