Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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