there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
