I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
