Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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