So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
