I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You're a waste of cheezeits
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
