NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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