I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
