i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
