matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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