I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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