i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
