It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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