You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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