I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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