Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He shit in the fireplace
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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