Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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