Betty ford says i'm here all night
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
