so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
