If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
