i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
