drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
