I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
