Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
