Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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