Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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