My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
