There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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