Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize