I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
